The Marauders Spell Book
by writeonadeserthighway
Summary: Its got plural wars, random oranges, black outs, hush puppy flip flops, cushions with their tassels off and the little lord jesus popping by with gangster angels. This is what happens when the marauders write a spell book.
1. Chapter 1 Word of the Day

The marauders spell book

Mr Moony would like to present the spell book of the marauders, full of all of the favourite spells of the marauders.

Mr Wormtail wonders why the book does not start with a spell.

Mr Moony recalls this to be called an author's note, which explains about the book in question.

Mr Prongs believes that the title is self-explanatory.

Mr Padfoot is shocked that Mr Prongs knows that word.

Mr Prongs is shocked that Mr Padfoot knows that word.

Word *is shocked that Messrs Padfoot and Prongs know it*

Mr Moony recalls that this is because of the 'word of the day' calendar that Mr Padfoot received from Mr Moony.

Mr Padfoot claims he already knew that word.

Mr Padfoot is lying.

Mr Prongs is proud to say that he knew this word by himself, and did not need a childish word of the day calendar.

Mr Prongs is also lying.

Messrs Padfoot and Prongs strenuously deny lying.

Lying *is strenuously denied*

Mr Moony denies that the word of the day calendar is childish. He believes it to be interesting and informative.

Mr Moony is wrong.

Mr Prongs is wrong.

Mr Padfoot did not learn that word from the word of the day calendar.

Mr Padfoot is using the argument to try and seem smarter.

Mr Moony noticed.

Mr Padfoot liked the word of the day calendar. Today it says 'imbecile'. Mr Padfoot believes it was referring to Mr Prongs.

Mr Padfoot is wrong.

Mr Wormtail thinks both Mr Padfoot and Mr Prongs are imbeciles.

Mr Wormtail is wrong, and also does not know the meaning of the word Imbecile.

Mr Wormtail says that this is because he did not get a word of the day calendar. Mr Wormtail would like to get on with the Imbeciles Self-Explanatory Spell book.

Mr Moony agrees.

Mr Prongs thinks Mr Moony is trying to avoid the subject of the word of the day calendar.

Mr Padfoot agrees.

Mr Moony does not care and is about to continue.

Petrificus Totalus- Petrificus Totalus is a full body bind spell that renders the victim completely immobile. The victims arms and legs shoot together, and he or she will generally fall down because of lack of balance. It however does not interfere with breathing or site. Known counter curses are Rennervate, Finite or Finite Incantatem.

Mr Padfoot recalls wishing to use this on a certain red haired Gryffindor girl at many points when she had been nagging them to study.

Mr Wormtail agrees.

Mr Moony believes also believes education is important.

Mr Padfoot acknowledges the opinion of Mr Moony, yet states that he would not curse Mr Moony. Mr Padfoot is afraid of the reprecussions.

Mr Prongs does not think reprecussions are very terrifying.

Mr Padfoot thinks this is untrue. The word 'reprecussions' is a plural of 'repercussion' And therefore suggests a gang of reprecussions, and therefore gangster reprecussions, which would indeed be terrifying.

Mr Prongs thinks Mr Padfoot is reading too much into this.

Mr Wormtail strongly objects. Mr Padfoot never reads.

Mr Padfoot does not think that is strictly true.

Mr Padfoot is incorrect. Getting Mr Moony to read aloud for him does not count.

Mr Padfoot would appreciate it if Mr Moony would refrain from using Mr Padfoots name to preface his own comments.

Mr Moony knows the words 'preface' and 'refrain' came from the word of the day calender.

Mr Moony is correct.

Mr Moony feels superior.

Mr Moony withdraws this statement on pain of death from Mr Padfoot and the reprecussions.

Mr Prongs thinks that would be an excellent name for a band - 'Mr Padfoot and The Reprecussions.

Messrs. Moony and Wormtail disagree, on the premise that they have heard Mr Padfoot singing in the shower and therefore have no desire to own his album.

Mr Padfoot thinks they do desire the album which shall be named 'Mr Padfoot and The Reprecussions: Songs from the Shower'

Mr Moony wonders why. Mr Padfoot will record his vocals in the shower.

Mr Wormtail hopes the band will not be there.

Mr Padfoot thinks Mr Wormtail is being ridiculous. The shower is not big enough for both Mr Padfoot AND The Reprecussions. They will record separately, consequences be damned.

Consequences *are damned*

Mr Moony really thinks they should carry on with the book rather than discussions Mr Padfoots shower activities.

Messrs Wormtail and Prongs agree. Strongly.

Mr Moony thinks they should move on to a stinging hex.

Mr Padfoot agrees, the stinging hex is his favourite spell.

Mr Wormtail would like to point out that the stinging hex is a hex, not a spell.

Mr Padfoot did not know this.

Mr Wormtail thinks that Mr Padfoot is indeed an imbecile. If it were a spell, Mr Wormtail believes it would be called a stinging spell.

Mr Padfoot claims that the stinging spell is a terrible name for a spell, which is why it wasn't called that.

Stinging Spell *is offended*

Mr Moony wasn't aware that Mr Padfoot knew anything about the origins of spells.

Mr Padfoot does not know anything about the origin of spells.

The Stinging Hex, also known as the Stinging Jinx, is a spell that inflicts stinging pain and, in extreme cases, swelling in the affected area. It takes the appearance of a burst of white light.

Mr Padfoot believes the Stinging Jinx is even worse than the Stinging Spell.

Stinging Jinx *is even more offended than the Stinging Spell*

Mr Prongs thinks all this is self-explanatory and therefore does not need to be included in the book anymore than Messrs Moony and Wormtail desire a copy of Mr Padfoot and The Reprecussions: Songs from the Shower.

Mr Padfoot would be grateful is Mr Prongs stopped using his word.

Mr Prongs thinks it is only Mr Padfoots word so long as it is self-explanatory day.

Mr Padfoot disagrees with Mr Prongs.

Mr Prongs disagrees with Mr Padfoot.

Mr Padfoot would like to call on Mr Moony because of his extensive word of the day knowledge.

Mr Moony denies said word of the day knowledge, but does recall Mr Padfoot said it first, although he does not own rights to the word.

Mr Padfoot thinks that is contradictory.

Mr Prongs thinks Mr Padfoot should stop over using his word of the days.

Mr Wormtail agrees.

Mr Padfoot thinks that if the Stinging hex can be a hex and a jinx, it must also be a spell.

Mr Moony would like to clear up this problem with definitions-

Hex-a curse.

Spell- a word or formula believed to have a magical power.

Jinx- an unlucky or malevolent force, person or thing.

Mr Padfoot thinks that Mr Moony got the word malevolent from a word of the day calendar.

Messrs Prongs and Wormtail agree.

Mr Moony is officially getting rid of all word of the day calendars. He also thinks he may be developing hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia.

Mr Padfoot thinks Mr Moony definitely got that from a word of the day calendar.

Mr Moony gives up. He will resume work on the spell book tomorrow.

Mr Padfoot has looked ahead and can confirm with certainty that the word for tomorrow is 'resume'.

Mr Prongs can confirm that the word for the day after that is 'certainty'

Authors note- for those who read the original story, this chapter is slightly different as I wrote it so long ago I felt it needed an update, especially as some of the common traits in later chapters were not present in this first one, and this is the first one people will see. Most of the later chapters will not be changed or only minor edits will be made.


	2. Chapter 2 The Sewer Dweller

The marauders spell book

Mr Padfoot is jubilant that the marauders are continuing with the spell book.

Messrs Moony, Wormtail and Prongs are sorrowful that Mr Padfoot is continuing on with the word of the day.

Mr Padfoot says this is because his word was jubilant, and theirs was sorrowful, meaning his word of the day calendar is superior. They just begrudge Mr Padfoot his superior word of the day calendar.

Mr Padfoot is right.

Mr Prongs would like to start with a spell that will be of use to people. Mr Prongs thinks all of the marauders best spells have been used on Mr Snape.

Mr Padfoot believes the name is Snivellus, and that calling Snivellus by the name of Mr Snape would make him included in the plural Messrs.

Mr Moony thinks this should not be allowed.

Mr Prongs retracts first statement, the thought of Snivellus in the same plural as him has just made him physically sick.

Mr Wormtail now wishes he was not in a plural with Mr Prongs, as the plural smells of vomit.

Mr Moony recalls that a plural cannot smell of anything, as it is not a physical thing, and does not carry a scent. He also hopes Mr Wormtail knows that you can also not physically be in a plural.

Mr Padfoot wonders if Mr Wormtail knows what a plural is.

Mr Wormtail does not know what a plural is.

Mr Padfoot thinks Mr Wormtail should be excluded from the plural on account of him not knowing what one is.

Mr Moony agrees but is unsure of how to get around taking him out of the plural whilst remaining grammatically correct.

Mr Prongs thinks the group should just refer to Mr Wormtail as 'Wormtail'

Mr Wormtail does not like this name.

Mr Padfoot can think of worse.

Mr Padfoot did think of worse.

Mr Padfoot will call Mr Wormtail...

Mr Padfoot is not allowed to write that.

Mr Padfoot thinks he should have freedom of speech.

Mr Moony knows that this is a right but would however point out that no one is speaking, but writing, there is not a right to free writing.

Mr Prongs thinks it is that time of the month for Mr Moony.

Mr Moony would like to move on to the spell.

Messrs Padfoot and Prongs agree that it is that time of the month for Mr Moony.

Mr Wormtail wonders why he was not included, he also agrees this.

Messrs Moony, Padfoot and Prongs hereby exclude Mr Wormtail from the plural.

Mr Moony would like to move on to the spell.

_Levicorpus is a jinx invented by a student at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, which causes the victim to be hoisted into the air and dangle upside down, which is intended to be used nonverbally, but can however be used verbally. The counter curse is known as Liberacorpus._

Messrs Padfoot and Prongs again wonder why the counter curse is included.

Mr Moony believes it is in case Messrs Padfoot and Prongs forget the counter curse and wanted to let Mr Snivellus down.

Mr Prongs would never want to let Mr Snivellus down.

Mr Padfoot dislikes that Mr Snivellus is back in the plural.

Wormtail thinks it is unfair that Mr Snivellus is included in the plural whereas he is not.

Mr Prongs has just been physically sick once again at the thought of sharing a plural with Mr Snivellus.

Mr Padfoot thinks that the word plural is starting to sound a little 'wrong'.

Mr Moony is unsure as to if he wants to be in the plural at all.

Messrs Moony, Padfoot and Prongs hereby banish Snivellus from the land of the plurals.

Mr Moony thinks that the word plural is being misused again. There is also no such thing as the land of the plurals.

Mr Padfoot thinks there might just be.

Mr Prongs thinks Mr Moony just insulted plurals everywhere.

Mr Moony has made the plurals cry.

Mr Moony recalls that plurals cannot cry.

Mr Padfoot wonders if Mr Moony has ever seen a plural cry.

Mr Moony has not seen a plural cry.

Mr Padfoot thinks that just because you have not seen something, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Mr Moony has not seen a plural as plurals are invisible.

Mr Prongs thinks that was uncalled for.

Mr Padfoot thinks that if Mr Moony is not careful he will be victim of a plural attack.

Mr Moony wonders what a plural attack would be like.

Mr Padfoot's thinks that's plurals' attacks' would's be's rather's horrible's.

Mr Moony thinks that is terrible grammar and also none of those plurals are plurals.

Mr Padfoot thinks that is exactly the point.

Wormtail thinks he has been excluded from the plural for too long and wants back in.

Mr Prongs thinks Wormtail would not like it because of the current plural war.

Wormtail wants back in anyway.

Mr Padfoot is not going to let the Sewer Dweller back in that easily and wants to continue the book.

Mr Moony is glad that Mr Padfoot has returned to his senses.

Wormtail is NOT called 'sewer dweller'

Wormtail IS called sewer dweller.

Mr Moony thinks the Sewer Dweller ought to let Mr Padfoot carry on with his newfound sense and ought to stay out of Mr Padfoot's plural.

Messrs Padfoot and Prongs think that the plural is starting to sound really wrong.

Mr Moony has thought of a way to prevent people saying bad things about the plural too often.

_The Langlock jinx causes the victims tongue to affix to the roof of their mouth._

Messrs Padfoot and Prongs are appreciative or Mr Moony for not putting in a counter curse.

Mr Moony did not put in a counter curse because he couldn't find it in the library.

Messrs Padfoot and Prongs' appreciation for Mr Moony has dropped below Slytherin Common Room level.

Wormtail's appreciation has hit the earth's crust.

Mr Moony would like to point out that appreciation can also not hit anything, as like a plural, it does not physically exist.

Messrs Padfoot , Prongs, and all the plurals and appreciates of the world, cannot believe Mr Moony went there.


	3. Chapter 3 Terrible Quill Stealing Antics

**The Marauders Spell Book** **Dedications**- Messrs Moony, Padfoot, Prongs and The Sewer would like to dedicate this chapter to iheartmwpp for her ingeniously funny reviews regarding the present plural war, they made us grin like loons, which Mr Moony would like to point out, we are. Also to ZukieDude, here's to more lolage, which Mr Moony also thinks isn't a word. It's great to get reviews

**The Marauders Spell Book-**

The Sewer Dweller would like to lodge a formal complaint on account of his name being an untruth, as he does not dwell is a sewer.

Mr Moony agrees that the Sewer Dweller does in fact not dwell is a sewer.

Mr Padfoot agrees however has also realised that Messrs Moony, Padfoot and Prongs are 'Plural Dwellers'

Mr Prongs sincerely hopes that Snivellus never dwells in their plural again. HE belongs in a sewer.

Mr Padfoot agrees. Mr Prongs does indeed belong in a sewer.

Mr Prongs is hurt. He was referring to Snivellus.

The Sewer Dweller does not want Snivellus to dwell in The Sewer Dwellers sewer.

Mr Moony thinks that The Sewer Dweller has just admitted he does dwell in a sewer.

Messrs Padfoot and Prongs agree.

The Plural Dwellers are right.

Mr Prongs thinks the consequences of not knowing what a plural is were great for The Sewer Dweller.

Mr Moony thinks Mr Prongs does not know what a plural is either if Mr Prongs thinks you can dwell in a plural.

Mr Padfoot believes the word dwell is also sounding wrong, as did being in someone's plural. He is unsure that he wants to dwell any more.

The Sewer Dweller says Mr Padfoot can dwell in his sewer any time.

Mr Padfoot has been physically sick on his hush puppies.

Mr Padfoot denies he is wearing hush puppies.

Mr Moony apologizes for the inconvenience, he failed to realise they were hush puppy flip flops.

Mr Moony has been killed by Mr Padfoot.

Mr Moony would not like to dwell upon that fact.

Mr Padfoot would like to call an end on dwellings.

Mr Prongs thinks this could cause major disruption to dwellings everywhere.

Mr Padfoot thinks to hell with the consequences. Mr Padfoot is ordering an end to all dwellings, effective immediately.

Mr Padfoot should be careful of an uprising dwelling.

Mr Padfoot is so scared.

Mr Moony would like to point out that an uprising dwelling can be interpreted as an 'up and coming' or 'cool' place to live.

Mr Padfoot is not afraid in any sense, sarcastically or otherwise, of cool places to live.

Mr Prongs still thinks there might be an up rise of the dwellings.

Mr Padfoot sincerely doubts that there will be lots more places to live, however that would solve a lot of the British population problems.

Mr Moony does not want Messrs Padfoot and Prongs to start conjuring up solutions to the population problems of Britain, and has instead thought of a spell to do with dwellings.

_Homenum Revello is a charm which reveals human presence in the surrounding environment, or dwelling, the spell indicates a body by a marker, the appearance of which is unknown, but which can be felt by the target as something swooping low over him or her. _

The Sewer Dweller wonders if this spell works. The Sewer Dweller would like permission to try the spell.

Messrs Moony, Padfoot and Prongs ' the plural dwellers' give permission for The Sewer Dweller to cast Homenum Revello on them, in the hopes that he not turn them purple.

The Sewer Dweller denies having done that.

Messrs Moony, Padfoot and Prongs recall that this happened when The Sewer Dweller attempted Lumos in second year.

The Sewer Dweller retracts previous statement.

The Sewer Dweller has cast the spell and successfully found Messrs Moony, Padfoot and Prongs.

Messrs Moony, Padfoot and Prongs would like to congratulate The Sewer Dweller on finding people he knew where there.

The Sewer Dweller is offended. _**As he well should be.**_

Mr Padfoot should stop taking the quill because _**each time he does so he comes across more handsome and witty than everyone else in the world ever.**_

Mr Padfoot might want to stop _**being the sexiest beast the planet has ever seen.**_

The Sewer Dweller wonders if Mr Padfoot has seen his _**thing. He has and it is not very large.**_

Messrs Moony, Prongs and The Sewer Dweller have given up all hope _**at ever being as good looking as Mr Padfoot.**_

Mr Moony has had enough _**chocolate for one day and ought to stop or he will **__**never**__** be as good looking as Mr Padfoot.**_

Mr Prongs is forcefully holding Mr Padfoots hand behind his back so he can write. Mr Padfoot is not as good lucking as Mr Prongs and never will be ever. He is also an annoying person.

The Sewer Dweller thinks that Mr Prongs should not hold hands with Mr Padfoot behind his back.

The Sewer Dweller has a sick mind _**that was driven to that sickness by longing to be as good looking as Mr Padfoot.**_

Mr Moony wonders if Mr Padfoot has looked in a mirror recently _**because that mirror must be so damn jealous.**_

Mr Moony is tired of Mr Padfoots quill stealing antics. He wonders if he should permanently stick Mr Padfoot to a chair so _**he can look at those majestic good looks every day.**_

Mr Prongs thinks there will now definitely be an uprising of the dwellings _**at the knowledge that Mr Padfoot is still a bachelor.**_

The Sewer Dweller is threatening to use Lumos.

Messrs Moony and Prongs hope Mr Padfoot remembers what happened last time in exact detail and now will stop with his terrible quill stealing antics.

Mr Padfoot and is quill stealing antics thinks that The Sewer Dweller must have been distracted during the charm to get it that wrong.

The Sewer Dweller was distracted by _**Mr Padfoot and his terrible quill stealing antics and their tragically good looks.**_

Mr Moony recalls that antics, especially quill stealing antics, do not have good looks, however tragic is the way to describe it.

The Sewer Dweller is seriously threatening to use Lumos to _**light up Mr Padfoots exquisite features.**_

Mr Padfoot and his quill stealing antics has taken this too far.

The Sewer Dweller has said the incantation.

Thanks to Mr Padfoot and his quill stealing antics, all the marauders are now an ugly shade of purple _**apart from Mr Padfoot who is as gorgeous purple as he is in his original colour.**_

Mr Padfoot and his quill stealing accepts the thanks of Messrs Moony and Prongs and agrees that purple really is his colour.

Mr Moony thinks quill stealing antics cannot accept anything _**just as Mr Moony cannot accept the fact that he is not as good looking as Mr Padfoot and his quill stealing antics.**_

Mr Moony is going to gravely injure Mr Padfoot and his quill stealing antics soon _**because of his beauty.**_

Mr Padfoot and his quill stealing antics are soooo scared.

Mr Moony is serious.

Mr Moony can't be Sirius as Mr Padfoot and his quill stealing antics are Sirius.

Mr Moony is honestly going to gravely injure Mr Padfoot and his quill stealing antics right now _**because he is the most beautiful person Mr Moony has ever met.**_

Mr Prongs agrees. Mr Padfoot is a very pretty girl.


	4. Chapter 4 Uprising Dwellings

**The Marauders Spell Book Dedications- **Mr Padfoot, his quill stealing antics and his tragic good looks would like to dedicate this to the sister of the author (if you can call her the author, it is my book) Messrs Moony, Prongs and the Sewer Dweller think its theirs too (their wrong) for reading this and doing an actual L-O-L.

The Marauders Spell Book-

Mr Moony thinks they must be doing well if people actually want to have a dedication in the marauders book.

Mr Prongs thinks it's a way for the author to get to write something in the actual book.

Mr Padfoot thinks the author is an idiot. It's not her book.

Mr Prongs thinks the author might stop Mr Padfoot writing _**because she is jealous of how good looking he is.**_

_The Author has to agree with Mr Padfoot __because he has forced her to by bribing her with droobles best blowing gum._

Mr Moony and his quill stealing antics are right.

The Sewer Dweller thinks Mr Moony is giving a bad impression to the author who might make him sound bad _**because she clearly likes Mr Padfoot best.**_

Mr Moony disagrees and thinks he is very loveable _**for a blood thirsty beast who eats too much chocolate**_

The Sewer Dweller does not like chocolate _**however he eats it every single day, making him too round to possibly compete with the masterpiece that is Mr Padfoots body.**_

Mr Moony does not think he can deal with Messrs Padfoot and Prongs both writing and that one should do it and that is all, or he is bringing The Sewer Dweller back into the plural.

Mr Padfoot does not want that, Messrs Moony, Padfoot and Prongs do not know where he has been.

Mr Prongs does. The Sewer Dweller has been dwelling in a sewer with Snivellus.

Mr Padfoot definitely does not want The Sewer Dweller back to his original place of dwelling in the plural and never wants to dwell near The Sewer Dweller again.

The Sewer Dweller is moving over to dwell near Mr Padfoot _**in the hope that his beauty is contagious and that he will catch it.**_

Mr Moony would like to point out that Mr Padfoots beauty is not contagious and cannot be caught, however Mr Padfoots chicken pox **can.**

The Sewer Dweller has just been physically sick _**at the thought of those red blemishes destroying Mr Padfoots looks forever.**_

Mr Prongs is very glad that The Sewer Dweller was not inside the plural when that happened.

Mr Padfoot has realised that The Sewer Dweller has borrowed Mr Padfoots shoes and been physically sick on them, and is getting a sense of déjà vu.

Mr Moony thinks it is a good thing that the hush puppy flip flops have been physically sick on again, this means Mr Padfoot will never where them in public with Mr Moony _**so now Mr Moony is finally free to where the hush puppy flip flops he bought it the hopes of following Mr Padfoots trend.**_

Mr Moony thinks they should take The Sewer Dweller to the hospital wing immediately _**as he very much hopes he can still save the authentic Mr Padfoot flip flops for himself.**_

Mr Prongs do not think Mr Moony meant to leave The Sewer Dweller in the hospital wing and come back.

Mr Padfoot disagrees. He believes their plural was under threat from an uprising dwelling.

Mr Prongs did not think the plural was under threat from cool places to live.

Mr Moony does not believe you can be under threat from a cool place to live.

Mr Prongs agrees, _**the only real threat is Mr Padfoots** __girlish good looks._

Mr Padfoot thinks Mr Moony should stop writing as largely as it takes up a lot of paper. This is not good for the rainforest.

The Sewer Dweller has returned pronto, and would like to add that the rainforest should stop causing global warming.

Messrs Moony, Prongs and Rainforest's everywhere deny that it is the rainforests fault.

Mr Padfoot agrees. It is in fact Mr Moonys fault for having such abnormally large writing.

Mr Prongs has heard...

Mr Prongs is not allowed to write that.

Mr Moony is going to commence with a spell quickly so that Mr Prongs cannot write that.

_Non Verbal spells are spells that can be performed without using an incantation. Most of the time you can tell what the incantation would be should the spell be said out loud, however there is a mysterious wand writing spell that no incantation is known for, used during the Triwizard tournament to give scores and sometimes used by Albus Dumbledore._

Mr Prongs has heard that the size of someone's writing is a reflection to the size of their thing.

Mr Padfoot thinks Mr Moony is overcompensating for something

Mr Prongs agrees, Mr Moony is overcompensating for something, _**something like Mr Padfoots beauty**_.

Mr Moony has no need to over compensate for anything, his writing is a good reflection of his thing size _**just not to scale**_.

The Sewer Dweller knows that Mr Moony is currently overcompensating for multiple things.

Mr Moony would like The Sewer Dweller to know that is it impossible to have multiple things, Mr Moony has only one thing and his handwriting size is a clear reflection of it, he is very proud of this.

Mr Prongs knows that Mr Moony has _**done**_ many things. He knows this for an absolute **fact**

Mr Padfoot is pleased that Messrs Moony, Prongs and The Sewer Dweller have not got one single thing to hide between the three of them.

Authors Note- _italic underline is Mr Moony and his quill stealing antics_

_** bold, italic is Mr Padfoot and his quill stealing antics**_

**_bold italic underline is Mr Prongs and his quill stealing antics as Mr Prongs would have to have all of them, greedy git._**


	5. Chapter 5 Matching rude body parts

The Marauders Spell Book dedications- The Sewer Dweller has been made to thank iheartwmpp , ZukieDude, .attack and crumpet93 for reviewing all the story so far, but would not like to thank them for making him write more. The Sewer Dweller thinks it's because they are jealous of him. _**Yes they are jealous of him for being so close to Mr Padfoot **__**and his abnormally large head. **__**Mr Prongs is such a man whore. **__Mr Moony would like Messrs Padfoot and Prongs to stop arguing in the dedications and should save it for the book._

**The Marauders Spell Book****- The Imbeciles Self Explanatory Book-**

Mr Prongs is annoyed at Mr Padfoot for calling him a man whore.

Mr Padfoot would like to point out that Mr Prongs' one true love calls him that on a regular basis yet he does not draw rude private body parts on her face.

Mr Moony thinks it is a surprisingly accurate drawing, and did not realise that Mr Prongs paid so much attention in Magical Health Class.

Mr Padfoot is laughing at Mr Prongs for paying attention in Magical Health Class.

Mr Prongs would like to point out that he only paid attention for the dirty pictures.

Mr Prongs is so classy.

The Sewer Dweller would like to point out that he  paid attention which is why he knows that this bit is called...

Mr Padfoot would like The Sewer Dweller to take his chubby fingers off the rude private body part on Mr Padfoots face and would like to point out that he knows the specifics, Ta very much.

The Sewer Dweller would like to know what exactly Ta very much means.

Mr Moony believes that 'Ta' is the same as thank you in certain parts of England.

The Sewer Dweller knew that already.

Mr Prongs is confused as to why The Sewer Dweller asked if he did in fact already know.

Mr Padfoot is still waiting for The Sewer Dweller to remove his hand from the rude private body part on Mr Padfoots face. It is beginning to look as if The Sewer Dweller quite likes having his hand there.

Mr Moony did not think The Sewer Dweller 'swayed that way'.

The Sewer Dweller thinks Messrs Moony, Padfoot and Prongs are rather dirty minded.

Messrs Moony, Padfoot and Prongs think that this may be true however they are not touching up rude private body parts that are drawn on someone else's face.

The Sewer Dweller has removed said hand from said rude private body parts and is glad to say he is not as dirty minded as Messrs Moony, Padfoot and Prongs.

Mr Moony would like to point out that he has seen The Sewer Dwellers 'literature' and it is full of pictures that would suggest that The Sewer Dweller is quite dirty minded.

The Sewer Dweller has no idea what Mr Moony is talking about, he believes it to have been Mr Padfoots literature.

Mr Padfoot denies owning any such literature and believes it belongs to Mr Prongs' one true love.

Mr Padfoot now has matching sets of rude private body parts, one on each cheek.

Mr Moony thinks this is getting out of hand. Mr Moony is going to put in a spell otherwise he doubts one will be written.

_Densaugeo is a hex that causes the victims teeth to enlarge grotesquely at an alarming rate. The hex is reversible with the reducio charm, at least that is, when the growing has stopped._

Mr Prongs would like to congratulate Mr Moony on his excellent use of this charm upon Snivellus earlier this week.

Mr Moony is not proud of that, he didn't want to but he was worried that Snivellus was planning to use an unforgivable curse on The Sewer Dweller who didn't do anything.

The Sewer Dweller is pleased that he is loved.

_**Mr Moony and The Sewer Dweller make such a good couple.**_

_Mr Padfoot would be best advised not to push it or he will end up suffering the effects of said Densaugeo charm._

The Sewer Dweller thinks that Densaugeo sounds like a foreign word for something to do with sausages.

The Sewer Dweller is obsessed with food _**which by the way is still not helping him look as good as **__**Mr Padfoot**____**Mr Prongs**____**Mr Padfoot**____**Mr Prongs**__** MR MOONY , who is a blood thirst beast so it's not that much of a loss anyway. **_

Mr Padfoot will pay for that comment _**in blood.**_

Messrs Padfoot and Prongs will one day pay for their comments and mistakes in blood _**but not today because Mr Moony is not due to have the painters from hell in for at least another two weeks.**_

Mr Prongs would like to point out the *cough* blood thirsty *cough* look in Mr Moony's *cough*terrifying *cough* eyes at this precise moment.

Mr Moony would like to point out that he can hear the words between the coughs _**with his abnormally large and hairy ears.**_

Mr Prongs thinks Mr Padfoot might want to run for his life at this precise moment.

Mr Padfoot does not see why he ought to run for his life at this precise moment.

Mr Padfoot really wishes he had run now to avoid this teeth lengthening.

The Sewer Dweller thinks the teeth look remarkably funny.

Mr Padfoot would like to see how funny the teeth look when they are chomping off one of The Sewer Dwellers chubby little limbs.

The Sewer Dweller retracts previous statement *whimpers*


	6. Chapter 6 Hush Puppy Flip Flops

**The Marauders Spell Book Dedications**- Mr Prongs would like to split the dedication in seven ways- To **iheartmwpp**- who reviewed from the start and does the awesome parodies, To **ZukieDude**- who knows the author is a genius (yeah,ok!), To **.attack** -who couldn't wait for the next one, To **crumpet93** – who forced the marauders into updating again (what a bully!), To **Arrora**- who uses this as comic relief for the day, To **all the alerters and favouriters- **awesomeness for clicking the little button :), and To **harry potter parodies-** for giving the author something to read when she's at a block.

Mr Padfoot thinks that Mr Prongs just seriously ripped J.K Rowling off.

The Marauders Spell Book-

Mr Padfoot wonders when this book might end so that he can go and have an equally successful spin off book called Seriously Sexy Sirius' Shrieking Shack Sleepover, and possibly a movie.

_The Readers are dubious, however like the alliteration in the title._

Messrs Moony and Prongs literally do not know what to say about that.

The Sewer Dweller does. He thinks it should be called Sleepless in Sirius.

Mr Padfoot has thrown up at The Sewer Dwellers innuendo.

Mr Moony is disgusted however luckily it was not the hushpuppy flip flops this time.

Mr Moony might want to shut up if he does not want a hushpuppy flip flop lodged painfully up his private area.

Mr Prongs thinks that it should be named after a movie but however should not be a terrible innuendo as before mentioned.

The Sewer Dweller thinks the hush puppy flip flop will identify with him as they are both males kicked out of a plural.

Mr Padfoot cannot believe how sexist The Sewer Dweller was.

Mr Prongs agrees. It is the 21st century, Male and Female hush puppy flip flops are equal.

Mr Moony also agrees. The gender of the hush puppy flip flop was not specified at the time.

Mr Padfoot thinks that The Sewer Dweller ought to apologize for his sexist comments.

The Sewer Dweller is sorry to Messrs Moony, Padfoot and Prongs for his sexist comments.

Mr Moony believes that Mr Padfoot was requesting that The Sewer Dweller apologize to the hush puppy flip flop in question.

The Sewer Dweller is sorry to The Hush Puppy Flip Flop in Question for his sexist comments, and begs for forgiveness on his knees, at the request of Mr Padfoot.

The Hush Puppy Flip Flop in Question is ignoring The Sewer Dweller.

Messrs Moony, Padfoot and Prongs are not surprised.

_The Readers are beginning to think that The Hush Puppy Flip Flop in Question should get its own spin off._

Mr Padfoot thinks that The Sewer Dweller ought to hope a complaint isn't taken up by the readers at Ofcom, otherwise there may be a media storm.

The Sewer Dweller thinks that all publicity is good publicity.

Mr Prongs thinks that maybe so however it is not good publicity if it is bad publicity about sexist comments make to The Hush Puppy Flip Flop in Question.

The Hush Puppy Flip Flop in Question is growing on the readers.

The Sewer Dweller certainly doesn't want a Hush Puppy Flip Flop in Question growing on him.

Mr Padfoot is pretty sure that Ofcom has a place for complaints about abusive comments towards the Hush Puppy Flip Flop community.

Mr Moony is wondering whether they could all just move on now. To sum it up, Mr Padfoot/Seriously Sexy Sirius may have his spinoff as long as he does not name it Sleepless in Sirius and he is also pretty sure Ofcom does have a flip flop complaints division.

Mr Padfoot believes Mr Moony has just admitted he finds Mr Padfoot sexy.

_The Readers are waiting for some big awesome love moment that will surely come..._

The Readers are slightly perverted. This is not a slash fiction.

Mr Padfoot is far too good looking for Mr Moony in any case.

_The Readers disagree quietly for fear of invoking Mr Padfoots rage._

Mr Padfoots rage has been invoked by the readers *yikes*

Mr Moony thinks it is a good idea to tie Mr Padfoot up with ropes right now to prevent attacks on The Readers and so will lend them this helpful spell.

_The Readers are now imagining the tying up with rope thing and are becoming sure this is a slash fiction._

Mr Moony would thank The Readers for his quill back, he is never lending them his quill again, they should bring their own.

_The Readers can't believe Mr Moony would be so hurtful *cries*_

Mr Moony does not care.

_The Readers would like to add 'or so uncaring *cries* to previous statement._

Mr Padfoot wishes The Readers wouldn't put asterisks before everything they do asterisk scowls asterisk.

_The Incarcerous spell ties someone or something up in ropes. For example – Mr Moony says Incarcerous asterisk ties Mr Prongs up with ropes asterisk._

_The Readers are wondering if Mr Moony is with Mr Prongs and Mr Padfoot *dissolves into jealous rage* and also wonder why Messrs Moony and Padfoot write asterisk instead of just *._

Mr Moony believes it to be because he thinks many people misspell asterisk as asterix and he wants to put an end to this global problem.

Mr Padfoot recalls it to be because he is terrible at drawing asterisk, it's very difficult.

The Sewer Dweller thinks it would be easier if Mr Moony concentrated on solving the global problem of Poverty before starting on the correct spelling of asterisks.

Mr Prongs cannot believe that The Readers are suggesting such things to be going on, he thinks they should go read some slash if that's what they are after.

The Readers think that is just fine *goes and reads slash*

Mr Prongs thinks they will come back horrified and unable to shake images of Mrs Norris, Mr Moony and Chocolate and Mr Prongs and his broom, sometimes all in the same situation, sometimes not.

The Readers have had enough *come back horrified and unable to shake images of Mrs Norris, Mr Moony and Chocolate and Mr Prongs and his broom, all in the same situation*

Messrs Moony and Prongs are disgusted *gags*

Authors Note- this isn't the end, please don't resort to horrific Mrs Norris/ Chocolate/Mr Moony/Broom/Mr Prongs slash in my absence, see what you did to Messrs Moony and Prongs ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ please don't If you do write this stuff...well look what you did! ^^^^^^^^


	7. Chapter 7 Little Lord Jesus

The Marauders Spell Book Dedications- Mr Moony would like to dedicate this to everyone who has read all this way through the book as they are clearly quite strange to actually read this asterisk pulls confused face asterisk.

The Marauders Spell Book-

Mr Moony would like to point out that he can now not look at Mrs Norris the same way again. She is no longer a sweet little kitty, she is a sex crazed little kitty.

Mr Padfoot is now quite sure that Mrs Norris wants him, despite blatantly being married.

Mr Prongs thinks it is terrible for people to imply that Mrs Norris is a kitty slut. She is a married feline, for Godric's sake.

The Sewer Dweller is wondering who exactly Mrs Norris is married to, and whether or not it was an arranged marriage, which would give her reason to be unhappy and therefore unfaithful.

The Sewer Dweller has never seemed so deep.

Mr Padfoot is for one against arranged marriage, which he will probably be forced into asterisk pushes self off cliff asterisk.

Mr Moony would like to point out that the asterisks may not be used when you are not doing the thing in question.

Mr Padfoot would like Mr Moony to prove that Mr Padfoot has not in fact pushed himself off a cliff.

Mr Prongs wonders how Mr Padfoot is writing if he has fallen off a cliff.

Mr Padfoot cannot write on account of being technically dead.

Mr Padfoot has found a way out of this technically dead situation asterisk comes back to life asterisk.

Mr Moony would like to congratulate Mr Padfoot on his technical return to life, and would like to point out that this is rather like The Little Lord Jesus' Incredible Return To Life.

Mr Padfoot is The Little Lord Jesus.

Mr Moony doubts that Mr Padfoot is The Little Lord Jesus.

Mr Padfoot would like Mr Moony to prove that Mr Padfoot is not The Little Lord Jesus.

The Little Lord Jesus would like to point out that this is identity theft.

Mr Padfoot would like to point out to The Little Lord Jesus that this may be so; however it is good publicity and a great comeback for The Little Lord Jesus.

Mr Prongs agrees, he likes The Little Lord Jesus' work but he hasn't done anything in a while.

The Little Lord Jesus agrees and would like to thank Mr Padfoot *walks back up the stairway to heaven to holy music*

Mr Padfoot cannot believe what just happened. He nearly dropped his frankincense in shock.

The Sewer Dweller believes Mr Padfoot should stop making references to The Little Lord Jesus *steals Mr Padfoots Myrrh*

Mr Prongs has just realized that if Mr Padfoot has frankincense and myrrh he must be The Little Lord Jesus!

Mr Moony agrees.

Mr Padfoot is flattered but actually stole the frankincense and myrrh from The Little Lord Jesus' holy robe pocket when he wasn't looking.

Mr Prongs is now worried that Mr Padfoot is going to endure The Little Lord Jesus' Wrath.

Mr Padfoot would like to enquire as to what The Little Lord Jesus would attack him with?

Mr Moony believes that The Little Lord Jesus rolls with some hard core gangster Angels and that Mr Padfoot should be very afraid.

Mr Padfoot thinks he should give the frankincense and myrrh back, because they are useless anyway. Mr Padfoot doesn't even know what frankincense and myrrh are. Asterisk calls The Little Lord Jesus asterisk.

The Little Lord Jesus and his Holy Robe Pocket are angry at Mr Padfoot for stealing the frankincense and myrrh *steals frankincense and myrrh back from Mr Padfoot*

Mr Padfoot would like to point out that The Little Lord Jesus has just stolen.

Mr Moony is pretty sure that is breaking one of The Ten Commandments.

The Ten Commandments cannot believe that The Little Lord Jesus has broken them *cries*

The Little Lord Jesus' has had enough of Messrs Moony, Padfoot, Prongs and The Sewer Dweller *goes back up to heaven in lift while playing stairway to heaven on his fender*

The Sewer Dweller wonders what happened to the stair case to heaven, as he has never heard of angels descending from the elevator to heaven.

Mr Prongs agrees however elevator to heaven would be a good song, in his opinion, and a less tiring way of heavenly transport.

Mr Padfoot would like to point out that this is quite probably because he set of dung bombs on the stair way as punishment to The Little Lord Jesus for **stealing** which is not only breaking a law but one of The Ten Commandments.

Mr Moony would like to point out that these are things that Mr Padfoot also did.

Mr Padfoot is pretty sure possession is nine tenths of the law, so Mr Padfoot is technically only one tenth in the wrong, as The Little Lord Jesus now possesses the stolen goods.

Mr Moony would like to point out that this is not technically true. Incidentally, each chapter is supposed to have at least one spell in it, so here is a spell relating to truth.

_Priori Incantatem is called the reverse spell effect. It forces the wand to show the last spell the user cast. _

The Sewer Dweller does not like this spell, as Mr Padfoot once stole his wand and did mischievous things.

Mr Prongs recalls this and remembers that this spell caused The Sewer Dweller to get into trouble.

Mr Padfoot thinks that The Sewer Dweller mistook The Little Lord Jesus as Mr Padfoot.

The Little Lord Jesus has had quite enough of Mr Padfoot *unleashes hard core gangster angels*

Authors Note- well it is Easter so I did have to include The Little Lord Jesus some nice religion and law lessons included in there. Stealing frankincense and myrrh from The Little Lord Jesus is definitely wrong. As is stealing. _**All stealing**_. That included quill stealing antics! However, setting hard core gangster angels on people is **wrong**, The Little Lord Jesus will call them off promptly as he is holy and good. this was actually not going to be about jesus but it ended up being, i was only starting writing about slash then arranged marraige then rules of the asterisk then rising from dead and thats how you get to Jesus from slash HAPPY RISING FROM THE DEAD LITTLE LORD JESUS!


	8. Chapter 8 The Black Out

The marauders spell book –**black out**

_On a normal, totally boring night in the Gryffindor Common Room, three incredibly awesome boys and one boy who dwelled in a sewer were setting about writing a book of most magical proportions, when suddenly the lights went out in the common room. At this point the most incredibly awesome handsome boy of all ran around the room screaming that he had been blinded, whilst the other three laughed at a cushion which they believed to be the most incredibly awesome and handsome boy._

Mr Padfoot cannot believe a cushion was mistaken as him. It was not even a particularly good looking cushion.

Mr Prongs was unaware that Mr Padfoot found cushions attractive. He wonders if Mr Padfoot prefers cushions with tassels or without.

Mr Padfoot regrets to say that he will have to go with without on this one.

Mr Wormtail thinks Mr Padfoot couldn't afford to leave his fan girls in the dark about his cushion preferences any more.

Mr Padfoot notices Mr Wormtail has used the black out as an excuse to sneak out of his sewer.

Mr Moony does not believe anyone should find cushions sexually attractive.

Mr Padfoot does not recall anyone saying anything _sexual _about cushions. He believes Mr Moony was the first to mention the _sexual_ attractiveness of cushions.

Mr Moony believes Mr Padfoot is the one putting the emphasis on the sexual word here.

Mr Padfoot would like to know how sexual Mr Moony would find a cushion once Mr Padfoot has shoved it up somewhere painful.

Mr Prongs believes that actually sounds highly sexual.

Mr Padfoot would like to point out that it would, to Mr Prongs.

Mr Wormtail knows that Mr Prongs does not sway that way.

Mr Moony wonders if Mr Wormtail knows this from personal experience asterisk cough rejection cough asterisk.

Mr Padfoot would like to point out that perhaps Mr Prongs admires from afar.

Mr Moony wonders if perhaps it is only cushions that Mr Prongs has a fetish for.

Mr Prongs does not have a fetish for cushions.

Mr Wormtail thinks this chapter is getting a bit too sexual.

The Cushions of The Universe With or Without Tassels would like to agree with Mr Wormtail.

Mr Prongs would also like to move away from the whole cushion topic.

Mr Padfoot is shocked. He was under the impression Mr Prongs wanted to get close to the cushions, not further away.

Messrs Moony and Wormtail agree.

Mr Prongs has had a spontaneous change of mind and thinks Mr Wormtail should go back to the sewer. Where he should dwell. In the sewer. As a sewer dweller.

Mr Padfoot agrees. Mr Wormtail ought to go back and do some more sewer dwelling. Then he will learn where his bread is buttered.

Mr Wormtail would like to point out that he never gets any buttered bread.

Mr Padfoot believes this to be a lie. He butters Mr Wormtails bread for him.

Mr Wormtail knows this but would like to point out that after buttering the bread, Mr Padfoot then eats it.

Mr Moony thinks Mr Wormtail should learn to butter his own bread. Whilst in the sewer. Dwelling. In the sewer. Like a sewer dweller.

Mr Wormtail gives up and goes back to dwelling in the sewer dweller, as sewer dwellers do.

Messrs Moony, Padfoot and Prongs rejoice at a plural in which chocolate is now in abundance.

The Sewer Dweller is unhappy *growls in an unhappy way*

Mr Moony thinks Messrs Padfoot and Prongs should be nicer.

Mr Padfoot will throw down a cushion to keep The Sewer Dweller occupied.

Mr Prongs will helpfully shout "Woo! Get Some Wormtail!"

Mr Moony will helpfully wolfwhistle.

The Sewer Dweller is angry at the unhelpfulness of Messrs Moony, Padfoot and Prongs

Messrs Moony, Padfoot and Prongs would like to point out that they did all of those things helpfully. Asterisk points to the _helpfully _in front of all the unhelpful things asterisk.

The Sewer Dweller thinks it would be _helpful _if he was let back into the plural as he is bored.

Mr Moony would like to point out that there is a cushion down there after all. And it has its tassels off.

Messrs Padfoot and Prongs are so proud of Mr Moonys innuendo asterisk hands medal and bunch of flowers asterisk.

Mr Moony would like to request that The Hush Puppy Flip Flop in Question give back the medal and flowers it has just been handed.

The Hush Puppy Flip Flop in Question will not give Mr Moony back his medal and flowers.

Mr Padfoot cannot believe that his manly **girly **flip flops that he bought in a manly store **Primark **are being so rude.

Mr Padfoot would like to point out to Mr Prongs that a black out is not an excuse to steal quills.

Mr Prongs disagrees.

Mr Padfoot objects to the disagreement on the grounds of stealing being against the law, and something Mr Padfoot would never do his self.

The Little Lord Jesus *coughs*

Mr Moony would like to mutter darkly "damn. Lumos."

**AN **: BAM! Didn't expect this one, did you? Surprise! I'm back :D We just had a power cut and it inspired me to write this. It may make little sense, and it may have no dedications. However, it has a Mr Moony innuendo, a surprise entrance to the plural, a return for the hush puppy flip flop in question and some revelations about cushions, so you're probably pleased. I liked it, anyway Laters! x


	9. Chapter 9 The Random Orange: Part One

The Marauders Spell Book

Mr Padfoot requests that Mr Prongs gets a better hair colour.

Mr Prongs would like to request that Mr Padfoot get better socks.

Mr Padfoot objects, he has much cooler socks than Mr Prongs.

Mr Prongs knows this to be untrue.

Mr Padfoot's socks rule all other socks.

All other socks *bow down to Mr Padfoots socks*

Mr Prong's socks rule all other socks.

All other socks *are confused*

Mr Moony requests that Mr Padfoot and Mr Prongs stop bickering as it is getting to be like day time soap.

Mr Padfoot would like to point out that soaps can be used in the night time, also.

Mr Prongs is confused **which is quite worrying.**

Mr Moony is confused **which is very worrying.**

The Sewer Dweller is confused **which is worrying.**

Mr Padfoot is confused **however this is not unusual so no one was that worried, really.**

Mr Padfoot thinks the soaps were worried as they didn't know if they were supposed to be used in day time or night time.

Mr Prongs thinks this is getting ridiculous.

Mr Prongs would like to point out that soaps are on television.

Mr Padfoot would like to enquire as to why anyone would put soap on the television.

Mr Moony doubts any one would actually put soap on the television.

The Sewer Dweller feels it appropriate to point out that Mr Padfoots soaps are scented.

Mr Padfoot has been proven right. His soaps rule all other soaps.

All other socks and soaps *get very confused as to who is their ruler, exactly, and whether they ought to unite*

Mr Prongs would like to point out that Mr Padfoots socks rule all other socks; his soaps do NOT rule all other soaps.

All other soaps *are thankful to Mr Prongs for this explanation*

Mr Padfoot would like to point out that Mr Prongs has just admitted his socks aren't as cool as Mr Padfoots asterisk cheers and accepts award*

Mr Prongs is confused once again.

Mr Moony is going to quickly insert a spell so that there is actually a spell in this chapter.

Confundo- a charm used to confuse or disorient a person, or to believe what the caster wants.

Miss Evans would like to enquire as to what exactly is going on here.

Mr Padfoot would like to scream hysterically and run around yelling 'give it back evans!' asterisk screams hysterically and runs around yelling give it back evans! Asterisk

Mr Moony would like to point out that this is a very problematic situation indeed.

The Sewer Dweller prays to The Little Lord Jesus that Miss Evans leaves and loses all memory of this event.

Mr Prongs *runs hands through hair*

The Little Lord Jesus *descends from heaven on the heavenly elevator to heavenly music, heavenly*

Miss Evans would like to point out that if someone does not explain what is going on right now, there will be trouble.

Mr Padfoot would like to point out that basically, The Little Lord Jesus was born from the virgin Mary and his cot was a manger which was kind of sad considering he is the Messiah but anyway, then he grew up and was good and came back from the dead. Then Mr Padfoot stole his Myrrh which was bad and then The Little Lord Jesus stole it back which was worse, then he got Mr Padfoot killed with Hard core gangster angels and now he is back.

Mr Prongs doesn't think that's what Miss Evans meant.

Mr Padfoot disagrees; it was most definitely what Miss Evans meant asterisk looks at Miss Evans for verification of this fact asterisk.

Miss Evans wants to know exactly what this socks and soap and confundo thing actually is and whether she ought to report it. *verifies fact with Mr Padfoot*

Mr Prongs *runs hand through hair. Again*

Mr Prongs' hair *is getting sick of this*

Mr Padfoot would like to explain to Miss Evans that this is simply a little project that is absolutely none of her business.

Miss Evans thinks it is her business.

Mr Padfoot would like to enquire as to how.

Mr Prongs *runs hand through hair for the third time this evening*

The Sewer Dweller would like to point out to Miss Evans that this book is NOT, most certainly NOT, a secret book full of sexual innuendos, terrible quill stealing antics and some spells.

The Little Lord Jesus would like to add 'or frankincense and myrrh stealing antics' to that.

Miss Evans would like to point out that The Sewer Dweller saying the book is NOT those things makes her think the book IS those things.

Miss Evans would like to know why The Sewer Dweller is called The Sewer Dweller as that seems quite mean.

Mr Moony believes it is because he dwells in a sewer, hence he is a sewer dweller.

Mr Padfoot believes it is ALSO mean to steal a book of someone and begin to write in it without the permission of its owner. Stealing is wrong.

The Little Lord Jesus *coughs*

The Sewer Dweller *Coughs*

Mr Moony *coughs*

The Hush Puppy flip flop in question *coughs*

The cushions with or without tassels *cough*

The hard core gangster angels *cough*

Mr Prongs *runs hand through hair* *coughs*

Mr Padfoot *coughs*

Everyone *Turns to look at Mr Padfoot*

Mr Padfoot thought everyone was playing the coughing game.

Everyone was not playing the coughing game.

The Mood in the Room *gets awkward*

Random orange *appears*

**To Be Continued...**

Chapter Ten *is completed*

Authors Note *appears*

Yeah, you read that right, a random orange. I just thought Lily should appear for some reason, she was bound to catch them at it! I'll have the next one up as soon as possible, til then, who has the randomest socks?


	10. Chapter 10 The Random Orange: Part Two

The Marauders Spell Book

Dedications- Messrs Padfoot and Prongs dedicate this one to QueenAnneMagic, frenziedquill, iheartmwpp, Just-As-Loony-As-Luna, crumpet93, Arrora, .attack, and ZukieDude for their reviews on this story :)

Random Orange *becomes ominous*

Ominous Orange *is ominous*

Gryffindor Common Room *has an ominous orange in it*

Mr Padfoot asterisk is silent asterisk

Mr Moony asterisk is silent asterisk

The Sewer Dweller *is silent*

Miss Evans *is silent*

The Little Lord Jesus *is silent*

Mr Prongs *runs hand through hair*

Mr Padfoot asterisk puts on his face of shock and awe asterisk

Mr Moony thinks every one should just relax. It is only an orange, after all, albeit one of ominous properties.

Mr Padfoot disagrees.

Ominous Orange *continues to be ominous*

Miss Evans would like to know why there is an ominous orange in the Gryffindor Common Room.

Ominous Orange *turns slightly to the right, ominously*

Mr Padfoot asterisk screams and runs like a girl around the common room asterisk

Miss Evans disagrees, she neither screams, nor runs, anything like that.

Mr Moony thinks their must be a logical explanation as to why the orange moved asterisk moves over and picks up orange asterisk

Mouse wants to know where Mr Moony has taken her pretty orange? *sad mouse face*

Mr Padfoot has found a mouse! Mr Padfoot has found a mouse!

Mouse would like to request that Mr Padfoot put her down, right this second. Also, where is her pretty orange?

Mr Padfoot has not let go of mouse.

The Sewer Dweller would still like to know how the orange actually got there.

Mr Prongs believes this to be irrelevant as he and Mr Padfoot have now got a mouse!

Mouse is not for sharesys. Mouse wanted pretty orange for her home.

Mr Moony regrets that this will not happen.

The Sewer Dweller *finishes last slice of random/ominous/pretty orange*

Mouse *has no home*

Mr Moony is going to quickly point out that a vanishing charm could have gotten rid of the orange.

Mouse hereby banishes mean Sewer Dweller from any places in which rodents like herself might live.

Mr Wormtail has returned from the sewer.

Mouse still has no home *mouse winks at Mr Padfoot*

Mr Padfoot has had an idea!

Mr Wormtail *is genuinely shocked*

The Hush Puppy Flip Flop in Question *hopes mouse does not want a nice flip flop home*

Mr Prongs wouldn't let that happen, Mouse needs a nice house that has not been sicked on.

Mr Moony would like to point out that 'sicked' is not actually a word.

Miss Evans has become very confused in the present situation.

Mr Prongs *runs hand through hair*

Mr Prongs' Hair *is considering fighting back*

Mr Prongs is scaring Ms Mouse with his present sudden movements.

Mr Wormtail did not think animals were allowed in the plural.

Mr Padfoot would like to point out that they allow Mr Wormtail in the plural.

Mr Moony thinks both Mouse and Mr Wormtail should be allowed to be in the plural if they want to be.

Mouse is not so sure she wants to be in the plural.

Mr Moony would like to assure Mouse that the plural is a nice place.

Mouse likes Mr Moony.

Mouse wants to be Mr Moonys friend.

Mr Moony accepts.

Mr Prongs believes that Mr Moony and Mouse have just created a double act 'Moony and Mouse'

Mr Padfoot cannot believe Mouse has betrayed him.

Mouse has not betrayed Mr Padfoot *looks at Mr Padfoot with beseeching eyes*

Mr Padfoot forgives Mouse.

Mr Moony is glad that issue has been resolved asterisk rolls eyes asterisk

Miss Evans is leaving. She is too confused. *leaves in a too confused to stay type way*

Mr Prongs *stares longingly after Miss Evans as she leaves in a too confused to stay type way*

Mr Prongs' Hair *is glad it isn't having Mr Prongs' hand run through it*

Mr Prongs' Hand *is hurt*

Mr Moony thinks that things that actual people should spend more time writing.

Mouse agrees.

Mouse has just realized this means she can't write. *sad face*

Mr Prongs would like to point out that she couldn't write anyway.

Mr Padfoot dislikes this animal cruelty.

Mr Moony would like to enquire as to why Mr Padfoot has just took a minature stocking decoration from the christmas tree?

Mr Padfoot has just took a minature stocking decoration from the christmas tree for Mouse.

Mr Padfoot assumed this was obvious.

Mouse will be spending christmas with Messrs Moony,Wormtail,Padfoot and Prongs.

Mouse would like to add against her own will to the above sentence.

Authors Note-

stay tuned for the christmas one! i know this is slightly shorter but then again, it is a second half and the christmas one's going be long! I'm also going back through the story and making some edits :) xx


	11. Chapter 11 Twelfth day of christmas

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me

12 willows whomping

11 carpets flying

10 frogs' a-leaping

9 Beaters batting

8 giants dancing

7 mermen swimming

6 Hats a-sorting

5 remembralls

4 sneakoscopes

3 Cauldron Cakes

2 Portkeys

And a Pensieve full of memories

**Yeah, because I've read a few of these, we are going to have a present giving advice column (HELL YEAH!) it just seemed like something to do ;) **

**Marauders,**

**What do you think I should get Severus for Christmas? I'm not so good at choosing presents for people, and I want it to be perfect.**

**Lily**

_**Well my dearest darling Lily flower**__, my first idea was to buy him some tissues so he could wipe his nose (embroidered with the word 'snivellus' of course) but then Mr Moony told me this was rather cruel. So after further consideration I have decided that you should most definitely buy him some head and shoulders shampoo, its only kind._

_Mr Prongs_

Lily,

Whilst I agree with Mr Prongs, I personally think that the best idea would be to buy him some Cornish pixies, delightful little sociable creatures. Failing that, I'd go for a mirror, as he's clearly yet to look in one.

Mr Padfoot

_**Lily,**_

_**Ignore the idiotic suggestions of Mr Padoot and Prongs, sweets are generally a good bet, as well as some joke items (providing he does not use them on Mr Padfoot and Prongs, initiating a prank war)**_

_**Mr Moony**_

**Lily,**

**Sweets. Always go for sweets. Failing that, more sweets.**

**Mr Wormtail**

Lily,

Cheese.

Mouse

**Fellow Marauders,**

**What should I get mouse for Christmas? I've never bought a mouse a present so I'm not really sure what to get. Help?**

**Mr Padfoot**

_Mr Padfoot,_

_I would be disturbed if you had bought a mouse a Christmas present before. Personally think a miniature quidditch kit complete with working broom would be awesome, but apparently Hogwarts has something called 'health and safety'.Cheese is probably a good bet, but there is lots of types...yellow ones with holes in.(thats what you generally see them eating, in any case)_

_Mr Prongs_

**_Mr Padfoot_**

**_I think a new home e.g. not a hush puppy flip flop would be a good idea, personally, and cheese also sounds like a good idea. The idea of Mouse flying around on a miniature broomstick in a miniature Gryffindor quidditch kit is growing on me though._**

**_Mr Moony_**

**Mr Padfoot**

**Does Mouse like sweets? I'm thinking yes. What about sweets in the shape of cheese? All I know is, definitely not a mouse trap. Or a pet cat. Tom and Jerry didn't seem to get along too well.**

**Mr Wormtail.**

_Mr Padfoot_

_Pretty Orange please. Thanks._

_Mouse._

**Marauders,**

**What should I get Alice for Christmas? I have absolutely no idea what girls like! **

**Frank.**

_Frank_

_And we would know how?_

_Mr Prongs_

Frank

Socks?

Mr Padfoot

_**Frank**_

_**Not socks.**_

_**Mr Moony**_

**Frank**

**Sweets?**

**Mr Wormtail.**

Frank

Personally I am of the opinion that this Alice girl would enjoy some nice chocolates and perhaps some flowers as a romantic gesture. Socks don't really show much thought so what about something personalised such as a picture of her and yourself in a frame with Frank + Alice written on it?

Mouse.

**Marauders,**

**What should I give Minerva this Christmas? I'm afraid I'm a little behind on my Christmas shopping this year.**

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore.**

_Albus,_

_Personally I think a quill that marks everyone's work right would be a good start...but then again, a new hat would probably do, but whatever you do, don't get her a sneakoscope. Please._

_Mr Prongs_

Albus,

A fake wand would be the most amusing gift you could possibly choose, On the other hand, some socks are probably a good choice, can't go wrong there.

Mr Padfoot

**_Albus_**

**_Some interesting books would make an excellent choice of gift, or something to decorate her classroom with._**

**_Mr Moony_**

**Albus**

**Sherbet Lemons.**

**Mr Wormtail.**

Albus

Cheddar.

Mouse_._

**Marauders**

**For Christmas, I'm thinking of asking Molly to marry me, what do you think?**

**Arthur**

_Arthur_

_Your asking her a question? __**That's **__her Christmas present? Reeaaalllly? Meh._

_Mr Prongs_

Arthur

Yeah, it's alright...I heard her say she wants some earrings though, maybe just get her them, otherwise she might be disappointed.

Mr Padfoot

_**Arthur**_

_**I think it's a lovely romantic gesture.**_

_**Mr Moony**_

**Arthur**

**No Sweets? I'll have to go with a meh on this one. **

**Mr Wormtail**

Arthur

. But she did really like those earrings.

Mouse.

**Marauders**

**What should I get Sirius Black for Christmas?**

**Marlene**

_Marlene_

_A tee shirt that says I'm with stupid, and the arrow pointing up. Or a mirror, he loves those. Unfortunately you can't buy him himself. He loves himself, also._

_Mr Prongs_

Marlene

A flying motorbike? Although that might be a bit out of your price range...sweets and socks. Everyone likes them.

Mr Padfoot

**_Marlene_**

**_Some tape to put over his mouth? A straight jacket? One of the two._**

**_Mr Moony_**

**Marlene**

**Nothing because he's on the naughty list this year.**

**Mr Wormtail.**

Marlene

Cheese to share with Mouse.

Mouse.

**Marauders**

**What should I get my friend for Christmas? He is also a mouse**

**Mouse.**

_Mouse_

_Cheese -.-_

_Everyone_

**Mip :D that was fun at least! I'll do something else in a bit but MERRY CHRISTMAS! **


	12. Chapter 12 Circular Fruit Union

The Marauders Spell book

**The disillusionment charm- a spell used to conceal a target, the charm makes that which has been bewitched act as a chameleon, taking the colour and texture of that which is behind them.**

Mr Padfoot would like to point out that invisibility would soooo be his super power.

Mr Prongs agrees- Mr Padfoot would have a great deal more luck with the ladies if they couldn't see his face.

Mr Moony agrees.

Mr Padfoot is annoyed *gives Mr Moony threatening look*

Mr Moony does not agree.

Mr Padfoot is still annoyed *gives Mr Moony even more threatening look*

Mr Moony would like to protest in the strongest possible terms against the earlier statement made by Mr Prongs.

Mr Wormtail would like to add...

Mr Padfoot thinks a membership in the plural was just for Christmas.

Mr Moony believes the phrase is "not just for Christmas" and primarily refers to puppies.

Mr Padfoot *issues further threatening look*

Mr Moony DOES NOT believes the phrase is "not just for Christmas" and does not refer primarily or secondarily to puppies whatsoever.

Mr Wormtail refuses to be cast out of *is cast out of plural*

The Boy Who Has Been Cast Out Of The Plural would like to know where he has gone and therefore what his name is.

Mr Prongs thinks they could have some fun with this.

Mr Moony thinks this is...*decides not to think anything on account of threatening looks from Mr Padfoot*

The Boy Who Has Been Cast Out Of The Plural thinks the readers would be happy with him going back to the sewer.

The Sewer That Was Previously Dwelled In By The Sewer Dweller refuses to be dwelled in again.

The Boy Who Has Been Cast Out Of The Plural thinks that The Sewer That Was Previously Dwelled In By The Sewer Dweller should be happy to have the sewer dweller dwell within it again as if he never had dwelled there the sewer would not be The Sewer That Was Previously Dwelled In By The Sewer Dweller as it would be The Sewer No-one Ever Dwelled In Whatsoever.

The Sewer No-one Ever Dwelled In Whatsoever likes it's new name.

The Hush-Puppy Flip Flop in Question wonders why it is no longer being mentioned.

The Random Orange is too.

The Little Lord Jesus thinks The Hush Puppy Flip Flop is a fame junkie, which is probably a sin, or something.

The Hardcore Gangster Angels agree.

Mr Moony would like to point out that all of the above were just things to help the book along and are not as central to the book as Messrs Moony, Padfoot and Prongs and The Boy Who Has Been Cast Out Of The Plural And The Sewer He Previously Dwelled In.

The Hush Puppy Flip-Flop in Question is taking this up with The Hush Puppy Flip Flop Union.

Mr Moony forgot that The Hush-Puppy Flip Flop in Question had a phone, lawyers, money and a union.

The Hush-Puppy Flip Flop in Question thought so- and by happy coincidence, the Hush-Puppy Flip Flop Union also has a Circular Fruit Branch and a Heavenly Residents Branch.

Mr Moony has reached a settlement through which all of the above get more mentions.

All of The Above are pleased and are going back to their respective homes.

Mr Padfoot doesn't think oranges had homes.

The Random Orange would like to point out that lack of circular fruit housing is no laughing matter.

Mr Padfoot disagrees.

The Random Orange disagrees with Mr Padfoot.

Messrs Moony, Prongs and The Boy Who Has Been Cast Out Of The Plural And The Sewer He Previously Dwelled In can't believe Mr Padfoot is having a disagreement with an orange, specifically a homeless random one.

Mr Padfoot thinks it's best to have a credits at the end of every chapter so no-one is offended with their lack of recognition.

The Little Lord Jesus would like to point out that he gets lots of recognition. He even has songs written about him.

Mr Padfoot would like to point out that he could have a song written about him if he so wished.

Mr Moony bloody well hopes not.

Mr Padfoot is about to write one this second.

Mr Moony hopes God will not let this happen.

God would like to know what it is he should not be letting happen, exactly?

Messrs Moony, Padfoot, Prongs, The Boy Who Has Been Cast Out Of The Plural And The Sewer He Previously Dwelled In, The Random Orange, The Hush-Puppy Flip Flop In Question, Mouse, The Hard Core Gangster Angels, Little Lord Jesus, the Union of Hush-Puppy Flip Flops and Circular Fruits and Heavenly Residents and Any Object That Has Ever Been Mentioned In This Book Are Shocked.


	13. Chapter 13 The Secret of Life

Chapter 14: secret of life

Mr Moony thinks Gods interference in the matter of Mr Padfoots song will only make Mr Padfoot think the song has been given divine approval and further encourage him to write and perform it.

Mr Padfoot believes that was exactly Gods intention and therefore is going to create a 'divine mix' of the song, along with the acoustic and orchestral version, with several bonus tracks including 'Sewer Rhapsody' 'Hush Puppy Shuffle' and 'Pretty Fly for a Quill Stealing White Guy'.

The Boy Who Has Been Cast Out Of The Plural And The Sewer He Previously Dwelled In does not think there is divine music in sewers.

Mr Padfoot thinks that is an excellent point and is glad The Boy who has been cast out of the plural and the sewer he previously dwelled in raised it. He will therefore create a 'grime mix' of his entire album, which is to be entitled 'Mr Padfoot and the Repercussions: Songs from the Shower'.

Mr Padfoot takes Gods silence in this matter as approval.

God does not approve.

Mr Padfoot is therefore revoking the 'divine mix' and creating a 'satanic mix' of his album.

Satan approves.

Mr Prongs thinks that instead of debating the mix rights to 'Mr Padfoot and the Repercussions: Songs from the Shower' the marauders should be asking God about the secret of life.

Mr Padfoot thinks it is not a secret at all, everyone knows about life, it is the least secret thing in the world ever.

Mr Prongs meant how did we come into being.

God believes there to be a book on the matter, which is most useful.

Satan agrees, it is most useful for fuelling the fires of hell.

Mr Padfoot would like to add a sassy 'Woah there Satan'

God grants permission for the addition of a sassy 'Woah there Satan'.

Additional Sassy 'woah there satan' is sassy and additional.

Satan is woahed, sassily.

Satan did not come here to be woahed sassily. He is tired of being disliked. He is now going to use renewable energy to fuel the fires of hell.

Environment *rejoices*

Satans Minions do not want a satanic wind turbine in their backyard, thank you very much.

Satanic Wind Turbine *cries*

Satan will provide a very reasonable profit sharing scheme.

God, Satans Minions and Hells Accountants approve.

Mr Padfoot wonders why God only has a stairway to heaven but Satan has a highway to hell.

Mr Prongs believes it is because you get stuck in traffic on the highway and that is punishment for your sins.

The Boy Who Has Been Cast Out Of The Plural And The Sewer He Previously Dwelled In thinks walking up a staircase is a punishment.

The Boy Who Has Been Cast Out Of The Plural And The Sewer He Previously Dwelled In would like to suggest a escalator to heaven.

Mr Moony wonders what would happen if the escalator broke down.

Mr Padfoot assumes that then the Hard Core Gangster Angels would turn up on their Heavenly Davidsons and take you up.

Mr Moony thinks that sounds a little dangerous. He would be much more reassured in a Bentley cosmological.

Mr Prongs assumes Mr Moony would also like to be driven by 'Careful Driver Angels'

The Boy Who Has Been Cast Out Of The Plural And The Sewer He Previously Dwelled In thinks that seems legit.

God is taking notes.

Satan thinks this is unfair, he would like more ideas for how to improve Hell.

The Boy Who Has Been Cast Out Of The Plural And The Sewer He Previously Dwelled In thinks portable fans for the damned would be a start.

Mr Padfoot thinks both Hell and Satan should be renamed something nicer. Such as 'Costa del Satanica' and 'Senor Satanico'

Satan will go and purchase business cards immediately.

God would like to know how he can stop Satan stealing all his business. Mr Moony thinks for each sin a person commits, another song from 'Mr Padfoot and the Repercussions: Songs from the Shower' gets stuck into their head.

Mr Padfoot does not like to be critical but believes this will just encourage sinning.

No one, Ever *enthusiastically nods head in agreement*

Mr Padfoot would like to thank No one, Ever.

The Boy Who Has Been Cast Out Of The Plural And The Sewer He Previously Dwelled In thinks that seems legit.

Credits:

Mr Moony

The Boy Who Has Been Cast Out Of The Plural And The Sewer He Previously Dwelled In

Mr Padfoot

Mr Prongs

God

Senor Satanico

Additional Sassy 'woah there Satan'

No one, Ever.


	14. Chapter 14 The Making of the Album

The Marauders Spell Book

Chapter 15: The Making of the Album

Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs have moved production of the Marauders Spell Book to the Great Hall.

Mr Moony thinks they have less 'moved production' than 'started writing it on serviettes' because Mr Padfoot took too long in the bathroom this morning and therefore there was no time to write the next chapter.

Mr Padfoot would like to clarify he was simply doing his hair, and nothing untoward.

Mr Prongs thinks that is a lie.

Mr Prongs knows for a fact Mr Padfoot was practicing a new song for "Mr Padfoot and the Repercussions: Songs from the Shower".

Mr Prongs is right.

Mr Wormtail wonders is Mr Padfoot has decided on any cover art.

Mr Padfoot has not.

Mr Wormtal *draws rough sketch of Mr Padfoot in shower with repercussions*

Mr Padfoot is offended.

Mr Moony agrees. That is not what a repercussion looks like.

Mr Padfoot does not think that is the most important issue here. Mr Padfoots eyes are far more dreamy than they have been depicted in the sketch.

Mr Prongs agrees.

Mr Wormtail would like to add a sassy 'say WHAT?'

Sassy 'say WHAT?' is added and sassy.

Mr Prongs believes they must be dreamier than two little black dots.

Mr Padfoot is touched.

Mr Wormtail wants to know what Mr Padfoot was touched by.

Mr Moony presumes it was Mr Prongs, as he is under the spell of Mr Padfoots 'dreamy and non-black dot like' eyes.

Mr Padfoots dreamy and non-black dot like eyes deny casting a spell upon anyone.

Mr Prongs agrees. Eyes are unable to cast spells as they cannot use wands.

Mr Moony concedes the point.

Mr Wormtail really hopes Messrs Moony, Padfoot and Prongs have not started using the word of the day calendar again.

Mr Prongs believes it was rather obvious. Where did Mr Wormtail think the word 'Repercussion' came from?

Mr Wormtail believes it came from late middle English, as an equivalent to repercuss.

Mr Padfoot believes that is wrong. It came from Tuesday.

Sarcasm *does not become Mr Padfoot*

Mr Prongs thinks that Sarcasm is very lucky it did not become Mr Padfoot, because it would take it ages to do its hair.

Mr Padfoot agrees, he wouldn't want anyone else to have to go through that.

Mr Moony is sure that the amount of time you spend on your hair is optional.

Mr Padfoot thinks this is further proof that Mr Moony does not have, and never did have, nice hair.

Mr Moony objects.

Mr Padfoot does not care. Mr Moony does not understand the amount of products Mr Padfoot has to go through each month to achieve this look.

Mr Moony thinks that suggests Mr Padfoot does not have nice hair without product.

Mr Padfoot objects.

Mr Moony does not care.

Mr Wormtail thinks that Messrs Moony and Padfoot should stop their 'handbags at dawn' show down and notice that Mr Prongs has gone to ask Miss Evans out again.

Mr Padfoot would like to point out that as they are having breakfast, it is technically 'handbags at mid-morning'.

Mr Moony agrees and points out that Mr Prongs asks Miss Evans out so often that they have begun not to notice it happening.

Miss Evans has noticed it happening.

Mr Prongs has returned, nursing a bleeding scratched hand, and would like to point out that Miss Evans should not wear such sharp rings.

Mr Padfoot thinks Mr Prongs should not drip blood all over the serviette that he is writing on.

Mr Padfoot has had a brilliant idea.

Messrs Moony, Wormtail and Prongs *simultaneously say "another one?!"

Mr Padfoot *nods*

Mr Padfoot has decided that "Blood All Over the Serviette" is a good name for a song, especially in his "Satanic Mix" of Mr Padfoot and the Repercussions: Songs from the Shower.

Mr Moony sincerely doubts a song can be made about this morning.

Mr Padfoot thinks there can be, but that song would be called "Handbags at Mid-Morning" and not "Blood All Over the Serviette" which would be about the relationship between Mr Prongs and Miss Evans.

Mr Prongs does not want a song about his relationship with Miss Evans on the album.

Mr Prongs is not getting a song about his relationship with Miss Evans on the album.

Mr Prongs is getting TWO songs about his relationship with Miss Evans on the Album.

Mr Padfoot and the Repercussions: Songs from the Shower

Track Listings:

Sewer Rhapsody

Sirius Tunes

Hush Puppy Shuffle

Pretty Fly for a Quill-Stealing White Guy

Handbags at Mid-Morning

Blood All Over the Serviette

I'd Rather Go Out With the Giant Squid

Staring Into Your Dreamy and Non-Black Dot Like Eyes


End file.
